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I have this box that I try to keep stocked with some generic cards for situations when I need a card, but don’t have the time or the desire to go out and buy one. I’ve got birthdays, weddings, babies, “thinking of you,” and sympathy cards all covered. It saddens me to realize that lately I’ve been fishing around in there for sympathy and “thinking of you” cards more than anything else, and those cards were sent mostly for miscarriages or other infertility related issues.
This morning I had to reach inside the box yet again and take out yet another sympathy card for my friend who found out a few weeks ago that she was pregnant naturally after four years of trying. She had her first u/s yesterday and while the baby should have measured 9 weeks, it was only measuring 7 and there was no heartbeat. My heart aches for her as this is the second miscarriage that she’s gone though in the past four years that they’ve been struggling with infertility. I know that in her heart she really felt like this baby would be a take home baby. She commented frequently on how this pregnancy was very different from her first and how it was reassuring to her that everything would turn out ok.
Her entire situation is such a phenomenal reminder of miracle and fragility of life. Of the amazing highs and lows of this struggle. Of the complete randomness and unfairness of it all.
It’s all just one big crapshoot, isn’t it?
Remember this post about Repronex and how much it sucked for me for the thee days that I took it? Well, it’s time for my friend Repronex and I to get reacquainted. That’s right, it’s two vials of Repronex a night for hopefully the next 10 to 12 days. It’s time to get this show on the road kids. Let’s hope the ride is smooth and ends with a baby.
The very first month we started trying I was convinced, absolutely convinced, that I was pregnant. In fact, I told Mark before we left on our honeymoon that I thought I was pregnant. I clearly remember telling him how the baby wanted ice cream and getting a dish of Ben and Jerry’s Phish food (what I wouldn’t do for a big bowl of Phish food right now!) at the airport on our flight out. I told Mark how we were taking our baby on its first airplane ride, first cruise, first this, first that. After we returned from our honeymoon I went out and bought a pregnancy book and started reading it since I was so sure I was pregnant. Obviously I couldn’t have been more wrong.
We continued trying with enthusiasm and the hope that each month would be THE MONTH. Each month that went by left me disappointed that I was still not pregnant, but I wasn’t discouraged. I knew that our time would come and I just had to be patient.
Eventually we began testing and treatment which raised my hopes even further. Clearly the old fashioned way just wasn’t going to do it for us, but surely IUI would work. Bypassing all of those potential issues by putting the swimmers right where they needed to be would definitely do the trick. Six months and five IUI’s later and we were no closer to having a baby.
And now here we are at IVF. I was so excited about our first cycle and absolutely convinced it would end with a healthy pregnancy in the end. That cycle was cancelled, which made me approach cycle two with more trepidation than excitement and hope. The mediocre results of IVF cycle two leave me with a myriad of emotions going into cycle three, but hope really isn’t one of those emotion.
As sad as it is, I honestly can’t wrap my head around idea of becoming pregnant. It’s not that I don’t believe it will ever happen for us, I just can’t even begin to fathom that some day I will be pregnant. It feels like each cycle, each month and each day that passes that I’m not pregnant pushes me that much farther away from the ultimate goal. What’s strange is that it’s not something that even really bothers me much anymore. It’s not an emotional thing; not something that causes me pain or anguish. It just is.
It’s to the point where it seems that nothing short of a miracle will bring us a pregnancy. Anyone know where I can get some divine intervention?
I had a crazy, crazy dream the other night. The girls from my online support group who already had babies were having a play date for their kids. Somehow I found out about it and crashed the party despite the fact that I had no kid to participate in the play date. Suddenly the mothers were no where to be found and it was just me and the kids, so I decided to invite some of my friends over.
As in a typical dream, the kids somehow vanished and were no longer there, and all of my friends had disappeared too. It was just me and my husband sitting in the house. Apparently at some point I had decided to make muffins (I AM on a serious muffin kick lately), and had managed to spill a very large pool of oil all over the floor as well as other messes in the kitchen. Just as I was going to clean it up, the couple whose house we were at pulled up in the driveway. I walked outside to meet them and the husband commented on how someone had made a bonfire in the front yard and had left a whole slew of beer cans with teeth attached to them (huh?) out there by the fire. This was news to me because my friends had all been inside; I wasn’t even aware that anything had even gone down outside.
Anyway, occurred to me that they should probably be mad at me since there was now a burnt circle in their lawn and the house was a mess. But they just looked at me with sad faces and I realized that they felt they couldn’t be mad at me because I was infertile and had no kids of my own. Their pity for me was enough for them to look past the damage to their house. It was better to have kids and a messy house and burnt lawn than to be infertile. They just started to clean the house without saying anything to me. Very strange and awkward.
Then I woke up. Good lord, I can’t even escape my infertility when I’m sleeping? I’m sure that there’s loads of good things to be learned and taken from this dream, but all I’m taking from it is that infertility sucks.
It occurred to me the other day that I never did update about my colposcopy results. Both my pap and my biopsy were normal, so that is one less thing to worry about thankfully. That’s it, just a quick update.
When I logged into Facebook this morning, I saw that one of my friends (it just happens to be on the one referenced in this post) had participated in a “note” called “Everything you always wanted to know about our first born.” The instructions read ” Here you go mommies – a different kind of survey for a change – it’s all about your first (or only) born! Just copy and paste it in a new note for yourself!” Of course I had to read it just out of curiosity. Interesting, nothing too exciting, moving on with my day.
I signed in to check my e-mail account later in the day and found out that another friend (the friend referenced in this post) had not only participated in this note, but also tagged in me in the note. WHAT? Seriously? I could be wrong, but last time I checked, I’ve never given birth, or even been pregnant.
The very interesting part of this is that the friend who tagged me in this post is one of very few people who know what we’re going through and that we’re doing IVF. She’s aware that we’ve been trying for over two years. She knows what a struggle it’s been for us. And she had to try for 11 months for her son, so it’s not like the struggle to conceive is completely foreign to her.
I just can’t fathom why in the world she would tag me for something like this. I know that she only tagged me as a friend so that I could look at it, not participate in it, but it still feels like such a slap in the face. And to know that she’s aware of how much we went kids and still tag me just boggles my mind.
Sometimes I just have to scratch my head and say REALLY?!?
I found out last Wednesday that a friend from my real life support group is pregnant. She had been trying for somewhere around four years and she got pregnant completely naturally. Words cannot express how excited I am for her and how hopeful it makes me feel for everyone who is struggling with infertility.
Obviously there is no guarantee for anyone, but knowing that it can happen even after many years of trying gives me so much hope. You just never know what might happen.
One Small Wish...Granted 