The very first month we started trying I was convinced, absolutely convinced, that I was pregnant. In fact, I told Mark before we left on our honeymoon that I thought I was pregnant. I clearly remember telling him how the baby wanted ice cream and getting a dish of Ben and Jerry’s Phish food (what I wouldn’t do for a big bowl of Phish food right now!) at the airport on our flight out. I told Mark how we were taking our baby on its first airplane ride, first cruise, first this, first that. After we returned from our honeymoon I went out and bought a pregnancy book and started reading it since I was so sure I was pregnant. Obviously I couldn’t have been more wrong.

We continued trying with enthusiasm and the hope that each month would be THE MONTH. Each month that went by left me disappointed that I was still not pregnant, but I wasn’t discouraged. I knew that our time would come and I just had to be patient.

Eventually we began testing and treatment which raised my hopes even further. Clearly the old fashioned way just wasn’t going to do it for us, but surely IUI would work. Bypassing all of those potential issues by putting the swimmers right where they needed to be would definitely do the trick. Six months and five IUI’s later and we were no closer to having a baby.

And now here we are at IVF. I was so excited about our first cycle and absolutely convinced it would end with a healthy pregnancy in the end. That cycle was cancelled, which made me approach cycle two with more trepidation than excitement and hope. The mediocre results of IVF cycle two leave me with a myriad of emotions going into cycle three, but hope really isn’t one of those emotion.

As sad as it is, I honestly can’t wrap my head around idea of becoming pregnant. It’s not that I don’t believe it will ever happen for us, I just can’t even begin to fathom that some day I will be pregnant. It feels like each cycle, each month and each day that passes that I’m not pregnant pushes me that much farther away from the ultimate goal. What’s strange is that it’s not something that even really bothers me much anymore. It’s not an emotional thing; not something that causes me pain or anguish. It just is.

It’s to the point where it seems that nothing short of a miracle will bring us a pregnancy. Anyone know where I can get some divine intervention?

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