Two days after I gave birth, Dr. Ass Clown came to my room in the hospital to take a look at my incision and check on me. He reminded me that breastfeeding is not a surefire method of birth control and he asked if we’d thought about what kind of birth control we were going to use. I politely told him that we wouldn’t be using birth control and if we miraculously got pregnant, we’d be more than happy with that outcome. As he is want to do, he told me one of those anecdotal stories of a woman who, after much struggle with infertility, got pregnant via IVF and then magically turned up pregnant less than three months after giving birth to her first child. “Fabulous,” I replied. “I so want to be that woman.”
At my ten day checkup one of the other doctors asked us again about birth control. I replied that we’d be over the moon if we got pregnant naturally and didn’t have to spend over $30,000 and two and a half years to have a baby. He reminded me that it can, and does, happen. He questioned why we needed IVF in the first place, and without warning, the waterworks came on. I tearfully told him that I have crappy eggs and that of 53 eggs retrieved during our three IVF cycles, only seven of them even made it to day five and of those, only three were blasts. He reiterated that without birth control unplanned pregnancies can occur, and I once again stated that that would be the ideal scenario and I’d really look forward to that. He gave me a look, and dropped it at that. It was as though my comments were the absolutely strangest thing he’d ever heard.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago, when I noticed that I was all of the sudden getting less output from my pumping sessions at work. I replaced the membranes on my pump, but was still getting significantly less milk than normal. I couldn’t figure out what was going on, so a quick Google search suggested that maybe I was getting ready to ovulate, or get my period. Hmm. This got me thinking, as I had recently noticed the return of some obvious fertility signs. Some blood streaked EWCM along with the decrease in milk supply was a no brainer: I was going to ovulate. About a week later, I had some light pink CF and started getting cramps. Sigh. It was the writing on the wall…my period was coming. I remember complaining to my husband about my cramps and that it was a sure sign that I was going to get my period on vacation. In fact, I was so sure that I was going to get my period that I packed a box of tampons and a package of pads in my suitcase so that I wouldn’t have to buy them while on vacation.
All vacation long I waited for my period to come. And waited and waited. Those cramps that I’d been feeling disappeared and there was no more spotting to be seen. I felt great. Weird. I started thinking. Blood streaked EWCF is supposed to be a sign of high fertility and pink CF about a week later, along with cramps. Hmmm. It couldn’t be. I couldn’t be pregnant, could I? There’s no way I could be “that woman” and end up pregnant before I got my first post partum period, could I? I decided that if I still hadn’t gotten my period when I got home, I’d take a pregnancy test. Meanwhile, my mind was spinning. I was lost in a daydream about how absolutely fantastic and miraculous it would be if I were able to get pregnant on our own. How great it would be to have two children so close in age (challenging though, I’m sure). How much fun it would be to share my pregnancy news with my support group members and how painful it would be to have to break the news to my friend who continues to struggle with infertility.
My daydreams were bolstered by a rash of what I like to call “much easier than the first time” second pregnancies. Two of the women in my online support group have already given birth to their second kids and two more are currently pregnant. One woman from my real life support group got pregnant on her first IUI whereas her first baby took 11 IUI’s to conceive (her husband is sterile, so they use donor sperm/IUI). It just seems like the second time around is going a lot easier for many of the women that I know, so why shouldn’t it be that way for me too?
We returned home and despite my resolution to test, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. The thought of it was too scary. Of course while a positive result would make me ecstatic, a negative result would signal the return of infertility, and all of the insanity that comes with it. I didn’t have any pregnancy tests on hand and wasn’t feeling brave enough to actually go out and buy any, so I compromised and took the only OPK that I had left over. It wasn’t even close to positive so I figured that I wasn’t pregnant and that I’d be getting my period any second. I kept waiting and waiting and waiting. Still no period. By this time it was two and a half weeks after that blood streaked EWCF and I knew that if I was pregnant, it would definitely show up on a test.
I bought some tests.
I POAS.
As the dye ran across the test, a faint second line came up immediately. My heart started racing and I was in shock. It can’t be. There’s just no way. I held the stick in my shaking hands and continued to stare at it.
Slowly but surely, the second line faded away and all that remained was the control line. The test was negative.
Despite knowing that the test was negative, I couldn’t stop myself from returning to check on it every few minutes, just to make sure the line hadn’t somehow magically reappeared. I knew that chances of me being pregnant were virtually zero, but I had managed to let myself believe that it could actually have happened. As great as it would have been if the test had been positive, I was surprisingly OK with a negative. It was a bit of a reality check, I suppose. A reminder that I shouldn’t let myself get caught up in trying to get pregnant again. The fact is that we probably are never going to get pregnant on our own. In fact, I’d be surprised if we’re ever able to get pregnant with a biological child even using ART.
As it turns out, I never even ovulated. I’m guessing that my body was gearing up to ovulate and just never quite got all the way there. Anyway, it’s now three weeks after that fake-out ovulation and my body is trying to ovulate again, and this time I think it’s for real.
Despite knowing that we’ll likely never get pregnant the old fashioned way, I find myself falling into the same trying-to-conceive-insanity that was my life not so long ago. Sigh. How does one let the return of fertility, or in my case, infertility, not rule their every waking moment?
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August 7, 2010 at 6:43 pm
egghunt
Oh my gosh, you had me on the edge of my seat while reading that. My heart was pounding….
I’m sorry it wasn’t the miracle ending, reality is always so much crueler.
As for the Drs comments, I’m so frustrated on your behalf!!! Obviously they have no idea what you’ve been through (I mean emotionally speaking, I’m sure they are very up to date with the science side of things but thats the problem with most Drs in my opinion… too much science, not enough feelings). I would have felt the exact same way as you. If a pregnancy were to occur so early it would be seen as a welcome miracle, not some terrible and avoidable dissapointment. It pisses me off because even as you said your response I’m sure the Drs were just thinking inside their head “poor emotional woman, doesnt know what shes talking about” and that makes me so angry!!!!!!
I got sick of Drs telling me that I should go on birth control or avoid TTC after our miscarriages as they said it was important not to concieve until I was fully over the previous pregnancy. I told one doctor that if I waited till I was ‘over it’ I would never ever get to be pregnant as this is something that will stay with me forever. He just didnt get it. Which proves my point. They are book smart, but really really stupid when it comes to relating to their patients sometimes.
Infertility is something that unfortunately I dont think we will ever be able to escape from. I wish that weren’t the case though. xxxx
August 7, 2010 at 11:40 pm
Amy
WOW you had me on the edge of my seat!! And in some weird way, I can say I do know how you feel! After it took a year for me to get pregnant with Zac (6 anovulatory months and then 6 clomid ovulations), I thought it would be impossible for me to ever ovulate again on my own (I had been on the pill for 3 years before we started TTC) much less actually get pregnant without meds. To my surprise, I DID ovulate just 4.5 months after Zac was born. Then I ovulated again on day 24 the next cycle. Then day 18 I ovulated the next cycle and even more shocking, I was pregnant again!!! (Jonathan). Every one of those ovulations I was in that mindset that I’d never get pregnant the old fashioned way… double miracles DO happen! :)
August 8, 2010 at 12:05 pm
existere
We got asked the contraception question a lot too – I was like, what part of lesbianism do you NOT understand?
That being said, wow. I read this post with a growing sense of….amazement? Hope? My jaw was dropping lower and lower and I was sure this was leading to an annoucement of a BFP.
I felt confused and disappointed when it didn’t – and this was just me READING about YOUR experience. Can’t imagine the rollercoaster it was for you.
I do know couples who have gotten pregnant naturally after IVF – or even after adoption. Quite a few, actually. I hope you will be one of them. BUt whatever happens, I’m rooting for you.
August 9, 2010 at 2:52 pm
Louise
Oh my goodness! I haven’t come by your blog in ages and was biting my nails through this entry. I’m sorry it wasn’t that miracle outcome but that doesn’t mean it won’t be.
As far as how not to get sucked into the insanity that is TTC again….we avoided. It felt weird to be avoiding after so long trying. But that’s what we did to keep our sanity until we went back to the clinic for IUI when Madison was around 11 months old. Some of my friends thought we were crazy to go straight to IUI and couldn’t understand why we didn’t want to try on our own for a few cycles first but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Trying on our own was a frustrating, emotional and exhausting process and not one I wanted to revisit.
Anyhow we were lucky that our next IUI worked and to some of my friends (to whom ART is a foreign concept) they can’t believe it when I say how easy it was to get pregnant the second time around….LOL…but compared to our first round it really was. The nerves and emotions were still there but it was somehow so much easier the 2nd time around.
August 9, 2010 at 6:07 pm
krisy
Holy crap my heart was pounding reading that! I have no advice for you just lots of hopes everything works out for you guys!
August 11, 2010 at 8:03 am
Carrie
Hi there – I have been reading your blog for a long time now and haven’t ever commented, but our stories are SO similar, I can’t hold back now :) I too tried for YEARS to have a baby and finally after SEVEN, yes 7 IVF cycles got my miracle baby boy. He was born March 15th! I know your’s is close to that too! So when I went for my postpartum checks we got the same BC questions! LOL I said “are you kidding me? And YES, I realize the “risk” of what may happen”! Like that would be a bad thing! Anyway, since then I have had missing periods and all of the symptoms of high FSH just like before we conceived. It is incredibly hard to not get back into the TTC mode of fear and anxiety every month and then dread when AF arrives. Funny how I thought that would go away once I got my miracle…not so much! It would be amazing if we were “those” women that people always tell me about who went through ART and then got pregnant without any issues soon after. Until then we have to just enjoy the miracles we have and focus on that!
I swear after dealing with infertility I always say I have IF PTSD! It still stings when I hear about someone “accidentally” getting pregnant or someone with 5 kids under the age of 6 that just can’t help but get pregnant. And truthfully, I am not sure that will ever completely go away! Congrats on your miracle! Would love to chat sometime since our stories seem so parallel! Hugs- Carrie
August 12, 2010 at 3:16 pm
bwub
Sorry your outcome was the same as mine. As I read your post, I was hoping you might have had a different result. But…alas.
I too keep wondering when I might ovulate and have a period. AnofferingofLove got hers at 7 months. I’m not breastfeeding as much anymore, so I’m thinking it could show up at any time. But you know what? I am SO DONE with “scheduled” sex. I am not going through that stress again. But like you, the hope will likely never go away.
August 22, 2010 at 6:45 pm
g
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with all of these feeling again. I really do hope you get your surprise!
January 21, 2011 at 1:50 am
Polly
Just checking in with you … it’s been awhile. Hope all is well!