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It’s time for another sporadic blog update. I realized that I’m a really crappy blogger when I don’t have anything going on fertility-wise. But this time I have a somewhat valid excuse. You see, about a month and a half ago, one of my best friends told me that she’s very seriously considering filing for divorce. Then, just a few days later, we found out that our favorite couple to do “couple things” with are getting a divorce also. As it turns out, the women in both situations are simply not in love with their husbands anymore. These two tidbits of information came as a HUGE shock to us; I would never have seen either one coming. Apparently neither of the husbands saw it coming either as both claim to be completely caught off guard by the whole thing.

When we first got the news, we were in the heart of our last IVF cycle and I was admittedly a bit distracted by my own situation to really ponder and come to terms with what was going on with my friends. Once our cycle was over, the realization of everything that was going on hit me hard.

Over the past couple of years I’ve fallen into the habit of referring to having a baby as “the one thing that I want most,” which I now realize is just not true. What I really want most is to have a happy life with my husband, whom I value more than anyone else on this earth. I realized that in my desperation to have a baby, I was sacrificing my relationship with the one person that I hold most dear to me. What good would it do me to finally get pregnant, but at the expense of my marriage? I would be infinitely less happy to be pregnant with my marriage in shambles versus happily married and no children. I honestly feel that I could live a happy life without children, but only if my husband were by my side. I guess I can sum it up by saying that I just need to focus less on what I don’t have, and more on what I do have.

Since we’re on a break in between IVF cycles, I’ve been doing my very best to not worry about anything related to babies, IVF or infertility and focus more on enjoying my time with my family, friends and husband. I would say that on the whole, it’s been going pretty well. I feel happier, less stressed, and more optimistic about things. I haven’t even been impatient about waiting through this break cycle, which is quite the accomplishment for me, as I am the most impatient person I know.

So for now, it’s a good start. And I fully intend to keep it up once we start our next cycle. Life’s too short to sit around waiting for eagerly anticipated happy moments to come to you when you could be off making your own happy moments.

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Alright, I finally have some time to address some lingering tags and awards that have been piling up lately. I guess I don’t have much more to say about that, so here we go!

Note: I’m sharing photos of myself and Mark for the first time. As far as I know, no one in real life knows about this blog, but if someone I know DOES find this post, please just pretend that you know nothing about it. I’m sure there are some people who’ve figured out what we’re going through, but at this point, I’m just not ready to deal with it with people in real life. Thanks!

The first tag from Stacie at La Chambre d’Orchidee is to open my photo folder to you all. Here are the official rules:
1. Go to your Picture Folder on your computer or wherever you store your pictures.
2. Go to the 6th Folder and then pick the 6th Picture.
3. Post it on your bloggy and tell the story that goes with the picture.
4. Tag 5 other people to do the same thing and leave a comment on their blog telling them about it.

Well since I just got a new laptop and don’t have any photos downloaded to it just yet, I had to go to Mark’s computer to get a photo, and here it is.

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This photo was taken in March of 2008 and that sexy hunk of a man on the left is my husband. We were hiking on Camelback mountain in Phoenix. It was actually our second attempt at ascending the mountain. The first attempt happened the previous night when we didn’t have anything to do, and after consulting our guidebook we decided to give the hike a try. Well it turned out that while the hike was not long in length, it was very slow going and took much longer than we had anticipated. As the sun continued to sink lower into the sky, we began to realize that there was no way that we would make it to the top and back again before it was pitch dark. The terrain was treacherous and not something that you’d want to have to navigate in the dark, so we decided to turn around and try again in the morning. So this picture is in the morning when we went back to give it another shot. We made it to the top and the view was definitely worth the extra effort.

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And since a head cold is kicking my butt, I’m actually going to skip doing the rest of my tags and awards for today, but hope to catch up with the rest this weekend. In the meantime, I tag Kristin at Another Adventure in Life.

Today we had our WTF phone consult with our doctor and I think that it went well. The very first thing he said was that I stimmed really well last cycle, so that is good news. Right away I asked him what happened with the egg situation last cycle since I was still in the dark on that. He told me that of our 19 retrieved, three were immature, three were over-mature and the remaining 13 were just right. I’ve read that usually 70% of retrieved eggs are mature, and my 13 eggs are almost exactly 70% of 19, so we seem to be alright in that regard.

If you remember, last cycle was supposed to be the micro-dose lupron cycle, but I F’ed it up immediately by taking only 1/10 of the dose of lupron that I was supposed to. He said that the missed lupron doses may have been a cause for the poor quality eggs, or it could have just been a bad batch. Given my elevated FSH, I’m inclined to think that it was the batch of eggs and not the missed lupron, but I’m no doctor.

Anyway, he suggested that we try the antagonist protocol this time, which is essentially what we ended up doing last time after I messed up the lupron. So after I finish my BCP’s, I’ll go straight to stims and we’ll add in the Cetrotide once the lead follicle gets to a certain size (I think 14mm?). So in all reality, I’ll be doing the exact same thing that I did last time, which is nice since I’m clearly incapable of reading and measuring out the correct dosage of new medicines.

So there weren’t any major revelations during the consult, but our RE seems to believe that we will get pregnant eventually, so that is definitely a good thing.

In other reproductive news, I had my colposcopy for my abnormal pap back in November today. Dr. Ass Clown found a small area inside my cervix that had abnormal cells on them. While he doesn’t think it’s anything serious, he took a sample of cervix tissue and another pap from inside my cervix to send off to the lab for further evaluation. Of course a quick google search of “glandular cells pap” does not make me as confident as Dr. Ass Clown is that there is nothing to worry about. But I’m trying not to worry about and hopefully I will get good news on Monday.

Oh yeah, I’m also in the process of gathering statements of how much we spent in medical bills last year for our taxes. The statement I got from my acupuncture office today reveals that I spent just shy of $3,000 on treatments and supplements there. Holy crap. I hate to say it because it’s not entirely true, but boy does it feel like a huge waste of money considering we still don’t have a baby. Oh well…if nothing else, it was a very, very expensive way to get some relaxation in throughout the past year and now we have a nice big tax deduction for last year.

Our History

Dec 2006 - Started trying to conceive
Summer 2007 - Semen analysis (great), progesterone test (normal)
Dec 2007 - SHG normal
Jan 2008 - 1st RE appointment
Feb - Mar 2008 - Diagnosed with elevated FSH levels, 2 rounds of IUI with 5mg of Femara
Apr - Jun 2008 - Seeing a new RE. 3 rounds of IUI with 12.5mg of Femara, all busts. HSG normal
July 2008 - Moving on to IVF at a new clinic
Aug/Sep 2008 - 1st IVF cycle - cancelled due to poor response
Nov/Dec 2008 - Retry IVF, transferred one blast and one morula, negative beta
Feb/Mar 2009 - 2nd IVF cycle - Antagonist protocol
May 2009 - 3rd and final attempt at IVF - Antagonist protocol
Feb 18th, 2010 - our One Small Wish comes true: Nina Adele is born.

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