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I think that I’ve mentioned in the past that telling people that I’m pregnant has actually been a terrifying prospect for me. A part of me really enjoyed having a secret that very few people other than us knew. It was fun and it was ours. But beyond just having our own little secret, I was really, really nervous to tell people. I’m sure that a lot of those nerves and fear stems from all that we’ve had to go through to get to this point and I was afraid that people would ask me questions that would make me uncomfortable or would put me in an awkward position. We hadn’t told anyone other than two of my friends and both of our parents about our infertility struggles, so the entire process of conceiving a baby has, for the most part, been one huge secret. For two and a half years, it’s been such a huge part of my life that the thought of letting all of our friends, family and co-workers know that I’m pregnant felt like losing a big important part of who I’ve become.

I kept putting the announcement off for one reason or another. Mark was ready to tell people around 10 weeks, but I really wanted to wait until after our NT scan, just for that extra reassurance. Then after the scan I wanted to wait until the blood work portion came back normal, which was another week. Even then I still wasn’t really ready to announce it to the world, but regardless of my fears and nerves, the time had come. We couldn’t put it off any longer.

There were two significant family events (a family reunion and an 80th birthday party) on Mark’s side that we felt were great opportunities to tell family that we don’t often see. Those went pretty well, with the news starting with one person and eventually just kind of making its way around to others, so it wasn’t really a barrage of people all finding out at the same time. And it WAS uncomfortable for me. Apparently I must have either looked fat or maybe my big, baggy shirt gave me away, but before we had even been at the reunion for 5 minutes, and without us knowing, one of Mark’s aunts asked Mark’s dad if I was pregnant and he confirmed it. We sat down as Mark’s aunt was leaving the table and Mark’s dad told us what had just happened. She came back after lunch and slyly asked us when we were going to have a baby, as if it just occurred to her out of the blue. I just stared at Mark and waited for him to say something and he eventually said “February!” Of course she feigned surprise, though she seemed genuinely delighted, and thus the news started to spread. And I was hit with all of the questions that I dreaded having to answer. How are you feeling? Are you tired? Are you sick? Will you find out the sex?

After spending two and a half years hiding what we’d been going through, all of these questions felt like a huge intrusion of my privacy. And I know that most any woman who easily conceived wouldn’t think twice about all the questions, and may even be thrilled to be the center of attention, my reaction was the opposite. I just wanted to crawl under a rock and hide. I think that my fear of saying more than I wanted to played a part in that, but I’ve also noticed that I’ve become a much more shy and conservative person over the past few years. Whereas in the past I would have loved all of the attention, now I just shy away from it.

But like I said, the news spread somewhat slowly, so it was just one or two people at a time coming over to congratulate us and ask questions. Telling our co-workers was anything but that.

In hindsight, I really set myself up for exactly what I got in the end. Like I said, I’m not thrilled about having to “announce” anything, and the thought of just saying to my co-workers one day “Guess what! I’m pregnant!” didn’t really appeal to me. So I stole Polly’s idea and made a couple of batches of pink and blue cupcakes to use to make our announcement. The plan was to bring in the cupcakes, send out an e-mail to key co-workers saying that we brought in cupcakes because we were celebrating and then having a sign next to the cupcakes explaining that we’re having a baby. I thought it was such a great idea; I wouldn’t have to actually TELL anyone that I’m pregnant and that people would drift by throughout the day to get their cupcake and all would be good.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. Apparently people REALLY like cupcakes! Within two minutes of sending out the e-mail there were at least 10 people standing outside my cube all talking and asking questions. It was the exact opposite of what I had expected, which, had I reflected further on my great plan, I would have figured out. While it wasn’t what I had expected, it actually worked out alright. Since nearly everyone came over within the first 5-10 minutes, I got most of the attention and questions out of the way early and was free to relax for the rest of the day.

There are a couple friends yet who don’t know, and we’re making plans to tell them within the next week or so, but for the most part everyone knows now. I do feel better about not having to hide anymore, like a small weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, but part of me will always miss having our little secret.

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It’s time for another sporadic blog update. I realized that I’m a really crappy blogger when I don’t have anything going on fertility-wise. But this time I have a somewhat valid excuse. You see, about a month and a half ago, one of my best friends told me that she’s very seriously considering filing for divorce. Then, just a few days later, we found out that our favorite couple to do “couple things” with are getting a divorce also. As it turns out, the women in both situations are simply not in love with their husbands anymore. These two tidbits of information came as a HUGE shock to us; I would never have seen either one coming. Apparently neither of the husbands saw it coming either as both claim to be completely caught off guard by the whole thing.

When we first got the news, we were in the heart of our last IVF cycle and I was admittedly a bit distracted by my own situation to really ponder and come to terms with what was going on with my friends. Once our cycle was over, the realization of everything that was going on hit me hard.

Over the past couple of years I’ve fallen into the habit of referring to having a baby as “the one thing that I want most,” which I now realize is just not true. What I really want most is to have a happy life with my husband, whom I value more than anyone else on this earth. I realized that in my desperation to have a baby, I was sacrificing my relationship with the one person that I hold most dear to me. What good would it do me to finally get pregnant, but at the expense of my marriage? I would be infinitely less happy to be pregnant with my marriage in shambles versus happily married and no children. I honestly feel that I could live a happy life without children, but only if my husband were by my side. I guess I can sum it up by saying that I just need to focus less on what I don’t have, and more on what I do have.

Since we’re on a break in between IVF cycles, I’ve been doing my very best to not worry about anything related to babies, IVF or infertility and focus more on enjoying my time with my family, friends and husband. I would say that on the whole, it’s been going pretty well. I feel happier, less stressed, and more optimistic about things. I haven’t even been impatient about waiting through this break cycle, which is quite the accomplishment for me, as I am the most impatient person I know.

So for now, it’s a good start. And I fully intend to keep it up once we start our next cycle. Life’s too short to sit around waiting for eagerly anticipated happy moments to come to you when you could be off making your own happy moments.

Go to almost any infertility blog today and you will see a post that is somehow related to Mother’s Day. This isn’t one of those posts. Well, I guess technically it is since I just mentioned it, but it isn’t me lamenting about how difficult Mother’s Day is for me.

To me Mother’s Day is just another day. I’m no more upset or sad today than I am any other day of the year. Today I went out to breakfast with my husband and my parents, and spent the afternoon with my cousins celebrating a birthday. All in all, it was a great day. And other than the following exchange, I didn’t even think about the fact that we’re childless.

Cousin H: How are the boys (referring to our two dogs)?
Me: They’re doing well. Chili has actually decided to not be a pain in the butt all the time anymore.
Cousin H: I guess it’s time for kids then!!

Other than that, I hardly thought about kids, babies, or TTC at all today.

Of course that does concern me a bit, I guess. Sometimes I wonder if that means that I don’t want children badly enough. If this day doesn’t upset me more than any other, does that mean that I shouldn’t be a mom? I don’t honestly think so…ever since I was a kid, all I wanted to do was be a mom. Although I want to be a mom more than anything, I CAN imagine my life without children. It’s not what I want, but I can imagine it and I think that I could be happy without children.

But I’m not ready to give up on my dreams of being a mom; compared to many, we’ve only just begun this journey. There may be many more childless Mother’s Days in the future for us and I can’t speculate how I’ll feel for those days, but for now, today it just another day.

Our History

Dec 2006 - Started trying to conceive
Summer 2007 - Semen analysis (great), progesterone test (normal)
Dec 2007 - SHG normal
Jan 2008 - 1st RE appointment
Feb - Mar 2008 - Diagnosed with elevated FSH levels, 2 rounds of IUI with 5mg of Femara
Apr - Jun 2008 - Seeing a new RE. 3 rounds of IUI with 12.5mg of Femara, all busts. HSG normal
July 2008 - Moving on to IVF at a new clinic
Aug/Sep 2008 - 1st IVF cycle - cancelled due to poor response
Nov/Dec 2008 - Retry IVF, transferred one blast and one morula, negative beta
Feb/Mar 2009 - 2nd IVF cycle - Antagonist protocol
May 2009 - 3rd and final attempt at IVF - Antagonist protocol
Feb 18th, 2010 - our One Small Wish comes true: Nina Adele is born.

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