I feel awful. Just absolutely awful.
One of the girls who co-hosted my baby shower (let’s call her Liz) came over to our house to spend some time with Nina and us a couple of nights ago. We got to talking about how we are the first ones in our group of friends to have a baby and so we’re not really sure how the dynamic of the group and our involvement with our friends will change now that Nina’s in the picture. It’s not that we don’t want to hang out with our friends, it’s just that we don’t want to impose and bring her to events where she’s not welcome.
Liz pointed out that another couple in our extended group of friends is currently pregnant and while Mark and I aren’t very close with them (because they’re newer to our group and we just don’t know them well yet), at least it’s another couple that obviously is open to kids. Then she went on to mention another couple (we’ll call them Joe and Mary) in our group of friends and said something to the effect of “they’d have kids if they could.” I’d heard that this couple had some financial struggles a while back, so I asked for clarification on her statement, asking if she meant that finances were holding them back from having kids. She kind of stopped and looked guilty and said, “Oh, I thought that Mary had told you about it.” I could see the recognition in her face that she wasn’t really going to be able to get out of the situation without telling us what she meant, so she said “They’ve been working with a fertility doctor for the past two years. Mary seemed to give the impression that it’s an issue with Joe.”
At this point I could feel my face flushing. I haven’t told Liz, nor anyone else in this group of friends about our struggle to conceive. I realize that doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t already know; our friends are pretty sharp people and it wouldn’t be unthinkable that one of them put two and two together and figured us out, but we haven’t told any of them.
I tried my best not to give anything away, but I’m sure that my increasingly red face probably said more than I did…it’s just a question of whether or not Liz noticed. And at this point, I’m not sure that I really care anymore if people know what we went through. My motivation for not telling people was mostly because I didn’t want to have to deal with people asking questions of us all of the time, asking for updates on treatment and cycles and what the terminology meant. Now that we are past that, I feel much less protective of the entire thing. But regardless of how I feel, it wasn’t the time to come out to Liz, certainly not without discussing it with Mark first. I tried to play it off nonchalantly by saying how awful it was that they were having difficulties and the subject was quickly changed to something else.
But it ate at me. Mary was one of the co-hosts of my baby shower, throwing it at her house. I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult that must have been for her. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for her to have me around the past 6 months in my pregnant state. I count myself extremely lucky in the fact that we were the first ones of our main group of friends to be pregnant, which meant that I didn’t have to deal with any of my friends getting pregnant before me. I can only imagine how difficult that was for her. In fact, we actually told all of our friends about the pregnancy at their house. It was a sports themed movie night and Mark and I put together a little photo slideshow of baseball games that we’d been to with our friends and at the end we had a slide that said “Baby L coming soon to a centerfield near you…anticipated draft date – February 2010.” As soon as that last slide came up, Mary whipped around in her seat with her jaw dropped and just stared at me. I thought her reaction was a bit strange at the time. While I figured that she was just surprised at the news, a small part of me wondered if there was more going on there than just surprise. She didn’t look hurt or upset or anything, so I assumed that I was just reading into things maybe a bit too much.
Over the course of my pregnancy she was always interested in what was going on with me and talked frequently about her cousin who was due around the same time as me. The fact that she seemed perfectly OK with both my and her cousin’s pregnancy had me pretty well convinced that I had completely projected my infertile feelings into her reaction to our pregnancy news. Even though her potential infertility had crossed my mind, it still completely took me by surprise when Liz said they’d been seeing a fertility doctor for two years. My heart broke for them, and specifically her. I wanted nothing more than to drive over to their house and give her a big hug and tell her that I understand. I wanted to take back my fantastic baby shower to spare her the pain of the experience. I wanted to take back all of the pregnancy talk that I did when I was around them. I want for her to know that she’s not alone and I’m there for her if she wants to talk to someone who can relate. I want to be there for her if she needs it.
The shock of finding out that they are dealing with infertility makes me realize just how common infertility is. And it made me realize that just because I always felt like we were the only ones in our group of friends that had to deal with the absolute hell that is infertility, I couldn’t possibly have been further from the truth. And it made me realize that unless people let you in, you may never know the pain that lies beneath.
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March 10, 2010 at 12:50 pm
startingoveringermany
So true, “unless people let you in, you may never know the pain that lies beneath”. I think if you and Mary was alone you could talk to her and perhaps share with her your struggle since her struggle was once yours. That will perhaps let her maintain hope. The reason I say maintain is because I too can not have children. My husband and I have been trying for a year and a half and nothing. We even went to see the doctor today. That story I posted on my blog earlier today.
It is hard to know that someone you are close to or know is pregnant. Yes we are happy for that pregnant person but sad at the same time because we are not. If one day you feel comfortable and both of you are alone sit with her and chit shat on the situation only if opportunity arrive to mention it.
I want to ad I have a dear friend who is pregnant and they really did not plan for it to happen now, but it did. Every time I talk to her I ask her about her health and the baby. I ask her how do she feel. She take pictures and video of the baby movement and share it with me. She even give me materials to prepare myself when it is time. This what my friend do for me give me hope of one day of being a mother. She never let me feel less than a person that she does not want to share her joy with me. And that is what Mary is doing. She has hope of one day being a mother and just sharing your joy:)
I do want to wish you congratulation:)
March 10, 2010 at 4:33 pm
Amber
It sounds like she has been a great friend through everything even without knowing what you went through and dealing with her own pain at the same time. Infertility makes for a powerful connection between people. I have learned about so many people in real life that have struggled to get pregnant since people have known what we went through to bring Drake into this world.
March 10, 2010 at 5:40 pm
bwub
You didn’t know, so don’t feel so badly. I’ve been on both ends of the issue – being stunned by a friend’s announcement that she was pregnant (the friend who never wanted kids) and when I told a co-worker of my pregnancy, only to have him tell me his wife was in the midst of a miscarriage.
My assvice, if you want it, would be to have a quiet one-on-one with Mary. Let her know you inadvertently found out of their struggles, and (presuming your DH is good with it) tell her about your own struggles. I think she will appreciate knowing she is not alone, that there is hope for success and that you cared enough when you learned the news to talk to her about it. I think if you just share YOUR experience, she may feel like at last she has someone with whom she can share and talk about her own experience. Good luck.
March 11, 2010 at 8:25 pm
egghunt
I think Mary must be an awesome friend. I’m sure she wouldn’t have hosted your baby shower if she was in a lot of pain over the issue so I have to assume that she is, as I said earlier, an amazing friend. I think she would definately appreciate knowing your struggles. part of being infertile is finding hope when you least expect it and I think anything good can come out of being infertile (apart from the obvious prize of a baby) then it must be to be able to help those in a similar situation. Thats the way I look at it anyway. If my crappy ride can help inform or enlighten others along a similar path then thats great, or if I can offer genuine compassion to someone who’s hurting then I feel I’m not going thru this for no reason.
THat being said, I don’t think you should feel badly about anything you said during your pregnancy around Mary. I know you well enough to know that you would have been pretty tactful and I’m sure you didnt offend anyone, she sounds like she’d be the kind of person who would have been genuinely happy for you.