So yeah, blogging with a newborn is not nearly as easy as I thought it would be. The first few days with her were a piece of cake and I mistakenly thought that all the days to follow would be similar. I guess it’s that adrenaline thing that they talk about…you’re on such a high for the first week or so after having a baby, but then you crash and crash hard. While I definitely crashed, I wouldn’t say my crash was too hard, but things definitely changed for me around a week or so.
Remember a few weeks ago when I was bragging about how I hadn’t really been affected by pregnancy hormones and wasn’t emotional at all? Yeah, well I guess this is payback for my lack of emotions during pregnancy. It was almost exactly one week after Nina was born that I started getting anxious and weepy. The anxiety seems overwhelming at times. I worry that the anticipation of having a baby was overshadowing some problem in our marriage that we just buried in our excitement about our daughter. After all we’ve been through, I am all of the sudden terrified that my husband isn’t happy with our family, or more specifically, me. Now that the excitement and anticipation of our baby’s arrival are over and sleep deprivation and a dramatically different schedule have set in, I feel like there is a certain hollowness to our relationship. I feel as though all my husband can feel is his love for Nina, and I’m completely lost in the shuffle. Because I’m nursing Nina, I often find myself all alone as she eats while my husband does things in the office or plays video games. It’s a bit isolating and lonely at times. I know in my heart that is not how he feels, but sometimes that’s just how it feels to me and that’s hard to handle.
I’m also absolutely in awe of my daughter. I tear up just looking at her and marveling how we could possibly be so lucky as to have her as a part of our lives. In turn, I’m absolutely terrified that something could happen to her. After all we went through to get to this point, my heart absolutely breaks when I think of anything happening to her. I don’t know how I could possibly carry on without her.
On more than one occasion my husband has found me in tears and questioned what was wrong. The first time I told him that I really didn’t know what was wrong, and it wasn’t really untrue at the time. I told him that I was just emotional and I didn’t know why I was crying. It was mostly true, I was just feeling emotional about everything and anything that was going on that day. The second time he found me in our bedroom quietly crying. I tried to explain to him that I am terrified that something, anything could break up this family that we’ve so desperately longed and wished for.
He quietly reassured me that he couldn’t be happier with our family. That all he’s ever wanted as an adult was to be a dad and now he has that. That he couldn’t be any more impressed with me as a mom. That he always knew I would be a great mom, but I’ve completely surpassed his expectations. That I shouldn’t worry and should instead enjoy this special time we have together as a family. That he loves me so much. (I did note that he no longer says he loves me “more than anything in the world.” How quickly I’ve been happily displaced by our beautiful daughter.)
And I know he is right. I know he is right.
It’s just the baby blues and it will pass soon. In the meantime, blubbering mess it is…
One Small Wish...Granted 
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March 5, 2010 at 1:42 am
egghunt
Oh my, I can’t give you any wise words of experience here, but I can say that I read your post and my heart ached for you. It’s such a momentous occaision and you’ve been holding your breath for such a a long time now to get to this point so it makes sense that there would be a little chaos when you finally got to exhale.
I’m sorry you feel lonely, I wonder if you have any female friends or relatives that could come and help out a bit, even just for a bit of moral support? I hope you and your hubby get some time together soon so you can clear the air, its a massive change thats taken place in adding Nina to your household so I guess it takes a bit of adjusting for everyone.
I”m so glad you posted this, I’m sure it wasn’t easy to write, but thats what I love about your blog, its extremely honest.
I hope you get the big hug I”m sending you. Those hormones have a lot to answer for don’t they?
March 5, 2010 at 3:03 am
existere
Does sound baby blueish – and also really normal new parent stuff. I wake TMD about 60 times per night to make her check on the babies – I’m still like this, and it’s been six months!
I think you’ve spent such a long time trying to make your family, with all the worry and stress that can accompany that. It can be hard to let it go, but now is the time to relax: you did it. She’s here.
March 5, 2010 at 10:02 am
Amber
You are certainly not alone in these feelings, and I assure you they do get better. I remember crying as I was nursing Drake one of the first nights at home for no. reason. at. all. and wondering if my husband still loved me. Aren’t emotions lovely?
March 5, 2010 at 8:53 pm
Polly
Big hugs sweety … it **IS** hard and it **IS** scary and it **DOES** rock your marriage. I remember being at day 5 thinking “When is this going to get better” … and I know everyone says it, but it’s worth repeating … it does get better. I too know the isolation of breastfeeding. My DH asked me what feeling best describes me during bf’ing and I told him “lonliness” … I then asked him to spend more time with me when i’m feeding and he’s home – that helps. He burps, changes diapers, and puts LO down to nap/bed … when DH is home. And it’s SO scary … I honestly can’t even THINK about SIDS or a fire, or any other scary thing … I sob when I go there … even 11 weeks later. Please keep sharing these feelings, if you find that they don’t lessen or if they get worse after a few weeks – please do talk to your OB, ok? It’s nothing to be ashamed of – should it turn into PPD.
Big hugs again,
Polly
March 5, 2010 at 10:36 pm
Casey S
Hang in there. It gets better. It really, really, really does. No one tells you all the bad after you give birth, because they can barely remember it years later. The same will be for you.
March 6, 2010 at 11:53 pm
amy
OMG you just verbalized exactly how I felt after having both Zachary and Jonathan. EXACTLY! and my poor husband… yes, it does end, but it took a few weeks or so for me. Hang in there!
March 8, 2010 at 1:53 pm
bwub
I am so sorry you are having these thoughts and feelings. I agree with Polly, you know, it’s most likely due in large part to the hormonal imbalances that happen when the baby is born. Your body needs time to adjust. And you are left with a tsunami of emotions flooding over you. But like Polly said, keep talking about it, know that you are not alone, and talk to your OB if it feels unbearable. Sending you hugs and love.
March 15, 2010 at 9:41 am
Louise
Sorry the post partum emotions are hitting you so hard. It does get better. But the one thing I have said more than once since having Madison is that I miss my husband. I’ve talked to other moms and they say they can relate.
Having a baby is a beautiful thing and I would never take that back for anything but I found it affected our marriage a lot more than I ever thought it would. Darren works long hours and I am alone with Madison for 11-12 hours a day. So when there is the opportunity for down time we quite often take our breathers in seperate ways. We are trying to have more date nights and time together when possible. Now that spring is coming we are out walking more and I find that good…baby naps, we get exercise AND a chance to talk (last week we made decisions on 3 seperate issues during a hour long walk). Anyway it’s still something we are struggling with this 10 months later and one of my biggest fears is that it will only get worse once I go back to work in a few months…not to mention that we are planning to start TTC again soon…