So yeah, blogging with a newborn is not nearly as easy as I thought it would be. The first few days with her were a piece of cake and I mistakenly thought that all the days to follow would be similar. I guess it’s that adrenaline thing that they talk about…you’re on such a high for the first week or so after having a baby, but then you crash and crash hard. While I definitely crashed, I wouldn’t say my crash was too hard, but things definitely changed for me around a week or so.

Remember a few weeks ago when I was bragging about how I hadn’t really been affected by pregnancy hormones and wasn’t emotional at all? Yeah, well I guess this is payback for my lack of emotions during pregnancy. It was almost exactly one week after Nina was born that I started getting anxious and weepy. The anxiety seems overwhelming at times. I worry that the anticipation of having a baby was overshadowing some problem in our marriage that we just buried in our excitement about our daughter. After all we’ve been through, I am all of the sudden terrified that my husband isn’t happy with our family, or more specifically, me. Now that the excitement and anticipation of our baby’s arrival are over and sleep deprivation and a dramatically different schedule have set in, I feel like there is a certain hollowness to our relationship. I feel as though all my husband can feel is his love for Nina, and I’m completely lost in the shuffle. Because I’m nursing Nina, I often find myself all alone as she eats while my husband does things in the office or plays video games. It’s a bit isolating and lonely at times. I know in my heart that is not how he feels, but sometimes that’s just how it feels to me and that’s hard to handle.

I’m also absolutely in awe of my daughter. I tear up just looking at her and marveling how we could possibly be so lucky as to have her as a part of our lives. In turn, I’m absolutely terrified that something could happen to her. After all we went through to get to this point, my heart absolutely breaks when I think of anything happening to her. I don’t know how I could possibly carry on without her.

On more than one occasion my husband has found me in tears and questioned what was wrong. The first time I told him that I really didn’t know what was wrong, and it wasn’t really untrue at the time. I told him that I was just emotional and I didn’t know why I was crying. It was mostly true, I was just feeling emotional about everything and anything that was going on that day. The second time he found me in our bedroom quietly crying. I tried to explain to him that I am terrified that something, anything could break up this family that we’ve so desperately longed and wished for.

He quietly reassured me that he couldn’t be happier with our family. That all he’s ever wanted as an adult was to be a dad and now he has that. That he couldn’t be any more impressed with me as a mom. That he always knew I would be a great mom, but I’ve completely surpassed his expectations. That I shouldn’t worry and should instead enjoy this special time we have together as a family. That he loves me so much. (I did note that he no longer says he loves me “more than anything in the world.” How quickly I’ve been happily displaced by our beautiful daughter.)

And I know he is right. I know he is right.

It’s just the baby blues and it will pass soon. In the meantime, blubbering mess it is…

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