Originally posted February 6, 2008

As strange as it sounds, my elevated FSH has actually provide me with a sense of relief. Yes, elevated FSH does suck, and I have no way of knowing how this will turn out in the end, but now I have some sort of reason, some explanation for why we haven’t been able to get pregnant yet. Instead of scouring the internet looking for possible reasons, I can now firmly point to one thing and say “This is why we’re having troubles.” I don’t have to speculate anymore, I don’t have to lay awake wondering about this or that little thing that could be our problem.

It also gives me something to focus on. Something concrete. Now that I know, I can focus on what to do to make my situation better. How can I deal with this and try to make the best of it.

A part of me is terrified that we’ll never be able to have our own kids, kids that are part Mark and part me. It may come down to using donor eggs, which would mean that our kids wouldn’t be any part of me, genetically. In some sense, it seems easier to accept adopting a child that is no part of me, and no part of Mark than it is to have a child that’s part Mark but no part of me. I can get over that, I think.

I have to get over that because I really want to experience pregnancy. I want to be able to hear my baby’s heartbeat on the Doppler, and to see it bouncing around on the ultrasound. I want to feel it kicking inside of me and feel the sensation of little bubbles when it has the hiccups. I want to wear cute maternity clothes and have people ask me when I’m due. I want to look forward to the experience of giving birth. I want everything that comes along with pregnancy, even the morning sickness, heartburn, constipation, sore back and feet and general discomfort associated with pregnancy. I want it all.

But I may not be able to conceive with my own eggs. And I may not be able to carry a baby created using someone else’s eggs. So I have to come to terms with the fact that adoption may be in our future. Adoption is something that I’m very interested in, but in some ways it seems even more painful and frustrating than trying to conceive. I’ve seen how devastating adoption can be when you’re so close and then things fall through. Two co-workers of mine actually had their adopted baby for 3 weeks before the birth mother decided she wanted it back. It was devastating to watch the aftermath.

I guess it all comes down to the fact that there are no easy answers and someday I’m sure trying to find the answers to those questions will weigh on me. But for now, I feel as though a giant weight has been lifted from me. I feel a renewed desire and interest in life. For today, at least, I feel relief.

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