For the past couple of weeks, I’ve found myself constantly wondering “why now?” Why did it take us three tries at IVF before it finally worked? After having been through so many failed cycles, I found it to be completely inexplicable why THIS ONE was the one that worked. What was so special about this time that made us successful?

  • It could have been the five months of DHEA that I’d been religiously popping
  • It could have been my body getting healthier from the longer time frame of eating meat
  • It could have been because I asked to have a few eggs kept separate to try to fertilize naturally and maybe one of those was the one that decided to implant and grow inside me
  • It could have been because I really wasn’t “into” this cycle, I just really wanted to be done with it
  • It could have been the near constant use of “tacks” that my acupuncturist used this time around to maintain the right blood flow
  • It could have been due to the fact that instead of taking my valium the morning of the transfer, I accidentally took another Dexamethasone pill
  • It could have been because we FINALLY, for once, had an easy transfer because I insisted on the stiffer catheter from the get go
  • It could have been the one “perfect” blast that we finally had

It could have been anything. And I guess at this point it really doesn’t matter WHY I got pregnant, only that I did (though you can be certain that at some point I WILL be asking my RE how the natural fertilization attempt went). This whole experience, and the experiences of others have taught me one thing, and that this is all just one big crapshoot. There’s no other way to describe it. Sadly I’ve seen women have perfect, textbook cycles with beautiful perfect blasts who don’t end up pregnant. I’ve seen women have crappy looking cycles with seemingly no hope become pregnant. And I’ve seen everything in between. You just never know what will happen.

And because you never know what will happen, I was absolutely a wreck before my appointment this morning. I did a pretty good job of keeping myself busy and distracted at work, but every once in a while I would glace up at the clock and my stomach would start to turn as I calculated how many more minutes until we needed to leave. Finally it was time to go. We were called back within a couple of minutes and given instructions on how to prepare for the u/s, which were completely unnecessary since I’ve endured countless t/v u/s’s throughout the past year and a half. Right after I was situated on the table, the tech came back and took a few notes including when my retrieval was and how many were transferred. As a side note here, she originally asked me the date of my last period, even though she was fully aware that this pregnancy was the result of IVF. I told her I had no idea when my LMP was, but I could tell her when the baby was conceived. Why anyone would ask for the LMP when conception date is clearly known makes absolutely no sense to me. I guess that’s what you get when dealing with OB’s, not RE’s. But I digress.

She asked if this was my first cycle and I told her it was my third and that none of the prior cycles resulted in pregnancy. As she was walking over to get the wand ready, she asked if we were excited and I told her that I was incredibly nervous. She said she understood and that we’d get right down to business. Once the wand was in, I could immediately see the black blob of a gestational sac, but it looked completely empty. She briefly declared that there was a sac there. I started to panic, but then she moved the wand just a tiny bit and I could see a little white blob inside of it and I immediately felt better. She moved away for a second, scanning the rest of the uterus and I saw another, smaller black blog appear on the screen and she said there was another sac. The discovery of a second sac surprised me, but I immediately discounted it since it was so much smaller than the first and my betas in no way indicated twins.

She went back to the first sac and zoomed in and I could see the little white flicker that is our baby’s heartbeat and squeezed Mark’s hand tight. I had explained to him beforehand what we were looking for at this u/s, so I was assuming that he knew that’s what it was. If not, it was certainly cleared up when the tech announced that we were looking at the heartbeat. She turned on the speaker and lined up the wand and we were able to hear the heartbeat beating at a beautiful 124 beats per minute. I was overwhelmed at this point and a few tears slid down my cheek onto Mark’s hand.

She took the CRL measurement and said that the baby was measuring six weeks, which had me concerned since I am six weeks and four days today. I know that early u/s’s are notorious for being off by as much as a week, but that didn’t really calm my fears. She moved around and took a bunch of different measurements, then took another measurement of the baby from a different angle and said that measurement was better, at six weeks and three days. I told her out that the new measurement made me feel so much better, because it did.

She continued to take some more non-baby-related measurements and she mentioned that my ovaries are looking “fluffy” from the stimulation still. She eventually did a repeat scan of my uterus in search of the second sac. After a bit of searching, she said at first she thought there was a second sac, but now she “took it back” which was fine with me because I knew that even if there was a second sac, it was entirely too small to be viable at this point. She congratulated us and said that situations like these are the best moments of her job.

We’re due to go back in another two weeks for a dating ultrasound, which seems pretty silly since we know the exact date of conception, but I look forward to seeing our baby again then. She said they don’t do “official” due dates until the dating u/s, but for now she put my due date at February 18th or 19th.

The weight of not knowing how today would turn out has finally been lifted from my shoulders. I feel like a new woman. While today had a positive outcome, I know that there are no guarantees and you never know what can happen down the line. But for today, and hopefully many days to come, I’m no longer asking “why now” and trying to find the answers to all of my questions. Today I resolve to be happy with what I have, to enjoy the sheer pleasure of the happiness.