So my boss called me into her office again today. Her boss had spent a significant amount of time in her office with the door shut about an hour or so prior to that, so as always happens when she calls me into her office, my stomach sank just a little bit.

I should have known that she didn’t want to discuss work. The second the door closed she started the conversation by saying “You know how I was going to test on Friday? I couldn’t wait and tested this morning and I’m pregnant!”

Holy cow. Really? Really?!? Inside my head I’m just absolutely flabberghasted. REALLY?!?!?

I was genuinely happy for her though and smiled and told her congrats. I asked her what her next step was and she said that she was going in for her blood test tomorrow, so I asked her what OB/GYN she went to. Turns out she goes to the same one I do, at which point I launched into my history with Dr. Ass Clown. She asked if I was doing my fertility treatments with him, which made me laugh. I explained that I pretty much only do my blood work there now when I have to have tests done.

She asked me about some details about our treatment and I explained to her that we were, in fact, doing IVF and that this was the last chance at a biological baby for us. She asked again when I would know if the cycle was successful and I lied and told her the blood test was on Friday. She asked if I had tested at all and I lied again told her no. She asked if I had symptoms and I lied yet again. I couldn’t stop the lies from spewing from my mouth, but this is too private for me to share with my boss just yet. Our parents don’t even know yet.

Anyway, eventually the conversation ended though not before my boss reiterated how much she hopes she has a girl since she has two boys already. I told her that if she ended up with a boy, we’d be more than happy to take the little boy off her hands so she could try for a girl. Nice. Really classy, I tell ya, but I couldn’t help it…I meant it. Anyway, she asked me to keep her up to date as to what happens on Friday.

Eventually I went upstairs to tell my husband that she was pregnant. As I was walking up the stairs, it occurred to me how dramatically different the entire conversation would have been for me if I were not already pregnant. I can’t even imagine having that conversation if I hadn’t already had a good beta. I know that pesky lump would have formed in the back of my throat and tears would have sprung to my eyes, which I would have desperately tried to fight back.

I found my husband in the kitchen getting some water and told him the news. I told him how while I think that us being pregnant together would be a good opportunity for us to bond, it also absolutely scares the shit out of me. To have my very own boss be due only a week and a half behind me would cause so much heartache for me if something were to happen to this pregnancy. To have to watch her growing belly and hear her talk about her pregnancy would absolutely kill me. He reassured me and told me not to get ahead of myself, that we’re just taking things one day at a time. That’s all that we can do at this point.

In other news, I caved this evening and tested again. The line was definitely darker than the last one, but once again I was disappointed by how “not dark” it was. I’m not concerned that there is anything wrong, I was just hoping that maybe it’s be closer to the same shade as the control line. Through lots of thorough research (which translates to frequent visits to this webpage, I’ve convinced myself that my particular package of tests must be pretty weak on dye. For example, there are more than a few tests where the beta was around 150, just like mine, and the test line was nearly as dark as the control line. Mine was absolutely no where near as dark as the control line. In fact, based off of those tests, I fully expected Friday’s beta to be somewhere in the 50-75 range. I guess all that it proves is that you really can’t base anything off of the darkness of the tests and that’s a nice consolation for me. In fact, I’m only slightly nervous about tomorrow’s beta. I feel good about it and maybe that’s just because I have absolutley no control over it. What will be will be.

It’s going to be a long day tomorrow…

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