Last night, for the first time, I had to get up in the middle of the night to go pee. Finally, I thought, a new pregnancy symptom. I was quite happy about it since right now all I have are the occasional cramps. I know it’s still too early for most symptoms to kick in, so this was reassuring to me.

I didn’t bother to turn the light on since I know where everything is and we get some light in the bathroom from our neighbor’s lights which are on all night long. I peed, and as I was doing so, I realized that the gentle reassuring cramps that had been putting me at ease at a pregnancy symptom, had all of the sudden given way to a deep, heavy, “I’ve got my period” type cramp. I wiped, and as I always do, checked the toilet paper. It was dark in the bathroom, so I couldn’t be sure, but it almost looked like there was some color on the paper. I got up and turned the light on and saw in horror that there was dark pink/light red blood on the toilet paper. I wiped again, and still more. One more time and still a little bit more.

My heart was pounding and thoughts were racing through my mind at a mile a minute. I know that while spotting in pregnancy is not normal, it is most certainly common. However, that comes with a caveat, and that is spotting without cramping is OK. Here is am in the middle of the night with major cramps and blood on the toilet paper. I thought for sure it was all over. I gave in to my fear and put a panty liner on, but wasn’t willing to make a full concession and put on a pad. I returned to bed fearing the worst and hoping for the best and tossed and turned for the rest of the relatively short night, having terrible dreams about chemical pregnancies and miscarriages.

I woke around 5am and couldn’t fall back asleep. I was terrified. I didn’t want to get out of bed for fear of what I would find. Eventually I couldn’t stall any longer. I got out of bed and went into the bathroom, only to find my husband was already in there. He asked what I was doing up, but I didn’t answer and just turned around and went back to bed to wait for him to finish. He came into the bedroom and asked me what was wrong. I tearfully explained that I had been bleeding the night before and that the bleeding combined with the cramps didn’t look good. I told him that it could be something completely innocent or it could be a very bad thing. I know I broke his heart. I just kept repeating over and over again “I’m sorry” even though I knew it wasn’t my fault and there was nothing I could do to prevent or cause this. I asked him if I should try to get in to the hospital or something to have another beta done, just to see what’s going on. He asked if we could do anything to help the situation if something were wrong, and I told him no, and he said he didn’t see the point in that.

Eventually we decided I had to get up and investigate the situation. I went to the bathroom and to my relief saw that there was no blood on the liner. After peeing, there was no blood on the toilet paper either, only light brown spotting. So far today, nothing more than tan colored mucous and the gentle cramps that I’m used to.

Like my husband mentioned, there is absolutely nothing that we can do at this point. The best we can do is to wait it out and hope for the best.

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