First of all, I wanted to thank everyone for the sweet comments yesterday. Thank you to all of my blog friends and my ODC friends for taking the time to comment. They meant so much to me and were so much fun to read. It was pretty surreal though, reading all of them and feeling like they should be for someone else, not me. It has been such a long time that we’ve been trying for this…to finally have it actually happen just does not feel real at all. I’m not sure when it will feel real. Right now it feels so delicate, like if I move the wrong way, eat the wrong thing or get too far ahead of myself emotionally, it will all be taken away in the blink of an eye. It’s such a strange place to be, mentally.

I’m not going to lie. Yesterday was a tough day for me. As I mentioned before, I took another test yesterday, and it looked the same darkness as the first test I took, if not maybe even a little bit lighter. I know that HCG levels are supposed to double every two days, so I assumed that it would be at least a tad bit darker. The fact that it was definitely no darker and perhaps even a tiny bit lighter had me on edge. All day long I just kept telling myself that the darkness of the test likely has nothing to do with how things are progressing, that’s just how tests are. I kept telling myself that, but had a hard time believing it.

Then, right after I made the big e-mail announcement to my real life support group girls, I went to the bathroom and found that I had started spotting. As a chronic spotter, I feared the worst. I can’t remember a cycle within the past two years where I haven’t spotted during my LP, so naturally spotting to me equals no baby. The perhaps-lighter-than-yesterday’s-test along with the spotting had me really, really worried that things were not going well. But I can’t do anything at this point…what will be, will be and it is 100% out of my control. I did my best to keep myself occupied so as not to think about it at all.

I also tried to formulate a game plan for keeping sane until my beta. I made the decision that I would not take another test until the morning of my beta, which is tomorrow. If I were to test today, seeing the darkness of today’s line would do nothing to help my situation and would likely only stress me out. However, I do want to test tomorrow morning so that I have an idea of what to expect when the clinic calls. If something bad were to happen, I would want to know about it beforehand so that I could prepare myself. When I woke up this morning, I was very, very tempted to throw my game plan out the window and just take the test anyway. Fortunately a stroke of sanity hit me and I resisted. Score one point for my sanity.

Then, this morning my boss pulled me into her office and told me to close the door behind me. There’s been a lot of turmoil at the workplace lately and many of my coworkers (including my husband) will be losing their jobs due to the fact that part of our company is relocating to a different state. Yet again, I feared the worst. Amazingly, the conversation had absolutely nothing to do with work.

Boss lady: I was just wondering how things were going on the pregnancy front?

I had told her last summer that we were going to be starting fertility treatments (I didn’t provide any specifics, though I’m sure by now she’s figured it out) and that I would need time off for that. I didn’t want her to get the wrong idea, thinking I was interviewing for jobs or anything. Plus she’s a family lady who had to try a while for her second kid and I knew she would understand. She was excited for us and told me that she and her husband were going to start trying for their third in the spring.

Me: Oh, I don’t know yet.

At this point the light bulb goes on and I think “Maybe she’s already pregnant and is going to do the unbelievably sensitive thing and give me the heads up about her pregnancy before announcing it to the whole group.” So I ask.

Me: How are things going for you in that department?
Boss lady: Oh, I don’t know, but I think I may be pregnant. I won’t know for sure for a couple of weeks, but I really think I’m pregnant.

At this point I was really confused. If she won’t know for a couple of weeks, how in the world could she be pregnant already? After a bit of digging, I found that the reason she thought she was pregnant was because they had timed sex around ovulation using OPK’s. Like I said before, she struggled to conceive her second kid because she has irregular cycles and couldn’t pinpoint ovulation. The first month they tried OPK’s, she got pregnant. I guess she must just be assuming that if you have sex around the time you ovulate, you’ll get pregnant. Which is how it works for some women, I suppose.

Anyway, there was a bunch more fluff in the conversation and more details than I probably needed to know about my boss’ cycle, but here’s how the conversation ended.

Me: Well good luck with the test next week! That’s so exciting!
Boss lady: Yeah, good luck to you too! When will you know?
Me: (trying to quickly figure out how to answer this) Umm…it will probably be 8-10 days before I know.

I don’t know where the 8-10 days came from…it was the first thing to come to my mind, I guess. I was really only trying to buy myself some time. Ideally I would have liked to have told her that it would be 2-3 weeks, but that just doesn’t make any sense since she knows when I’ve been away from work for appointments. So then she got all excited because it would be around the same timeframe she would be finding out. It was really a very strange conversation for me to have with my boss. I didn’t want to have to lie to her, but at the same time I do feel the need to keep this very personal thing to myself for as long as I can.

Anyway, while it was an unexpected conversation, it got me thinking. It would be pretty cool to be pregnant at the same time as my boss. It would certainly help our relationship, and that would definitely be a bonus. I like my boss, she’s a great person, but we’re really not that close on a personal level. My husband keeps telling me that I need to make more of an effort to talk to her socially, but I just haven’t, for whatever reason. If we were so lucky as to be pregnant together, it would be a good opportunity to make a closer connection with her.

Beta is tomorrow. My stomach turns every time I think about it. But everything will be just fine, right?