For yesterday and today, at the very least, I can count myself as pregnant.

After the longest two and a half years of my life, I finally saw two pink lines on my test yesterday morning. To be quite honest, I would have been shocked, utterly shocked, if my test had been negative. Unlike every other two week wait that I’ve been through along this road, this time I’ve actually had real symptoms. I’ve been having a lot of pain in my right ovary, exactly like ovulation pain. I’ve also had very mild cramps on and off for the past few days, along with a “pulled muscle” feeling every time I rolled over in bed this weekend. To go from never experiencing these symptoms to all of them happening at once had me convinced that I must be pregnant.

I actually tested on Monday night after my acupuncturist stated that my pulses “couldn’t decide if they wanted to be slippery or not.” In TCM, a slippery pulse is a sign of pregnancy, so that coupled with my other symptoms drove me to testing. I used a crappy Equate test (one of those plus/minus ones) and there was definitely a line. Faint, but definitely there. I couldn’t tell if there was color or not though. I chalked it up as an evap, was slightly disappointed, and hoped for better results the next morning.

Yesterday morning I got up and tested right away and was really disappointed when a second line did not show up immediately. It took a while for the line to faintly begin to appear. Eventually it was to the point where I could definitely see it and was indisputably there, but was still what I would consider faint. Even though I knew better, I decided to pull out the big guns and do a digital. I really, really wanted to tell my husband that night if I were indeed pregnant, but given my horse’s ass performance the last time I thought I had a positive test, I wanted to be able to reassure him that I really, really was actually, for real this time, pregnant. The line on my Answer test was pretty faint, so I was pretty convinced that the digital would be negative, but I just couldn’t stop myself. I dipped the test and a few minutes later it read “PREGNANT.”

Even though I know a line is a line and two lines means you’re pregnant, I was still shocked to see those words. After everything that we’ve been through it just didn’t even seem possible that it could actually happen. Even with IVF, the holy grail of reproductive technology, I still felt that we’d end up on the wrong side of the stats. And I know that it is so early and there are no guarantees. For now I’m trying my best to enjoy being pregnant and not spaz out about everything, though I’ve already stupidly tested again and began to freak out about the fact that it is no darker than yesterday’s test. The coming and going of the symptoms also has me on edge and I begin to worry if I haven’t had any pain or cramps for more than a few hours. Rationally I know that tests can vary and don’t necessarily have any bearing on what’s actually going on, and I know that symptoms are bound to come and go, but sometimes it’s hard to believe that in your heart. I am trying to remind myself that what will be will be and I have absolutely no control over anything that happens from here on out.

And the waiting continues. Beta is on Friday, so if you can, please think strong beta numbers for me.