Tonight is Girls Night Out at the Melting Pot with a couple of my friends from high school. We aren’t super close anymore, but try to get together once a month or so to catch up and keep in touch. While I should be looking forward to yummy fondue (yeah, that “you can’t eat anything that tastes good” diet of mine is out the window!!!) and good times with my friends, I have a hunch that one of them is going to announce her pregnancy tonight. The cryptic Facebook status updates and her calling up out of the blue to request we get together for dinner has me convinced she has news for us.

This particular friend told us in early 2008 that she and her husband were going to start trying one month after they got married, which was in June. We found out in November that she had been pregnant, but sadly had a missed miscarriage. When she told us about the miscarriage, which was when she first told us about the pregnancy at all, she said that they would start trying again as soon as they could. I knew it was only a matter of time before she got pregnant again, though I kept telling myself that by the time she was pregnant again, I would be pregnant too. Well we all know how well my plan to get pregnant has gone. Two IVF cycles after she announced her miscarriage and I’m still not there yet.

Anyway, the thought of her announcing her pregnancy makes my stomach turn. As I’m sure most who have struggled with infertility can relate to, pregnancy announcements are not something I look forward to. I hate that other people can so easily achieve what I’ve been trying to do for over two years. I hate that they get to experience things that I can only dream of. I hate that I’m being left behind by my own dreams, hopes and desires. I hate that I’m powerless to change my own situation.

Of course I will be happy for her, but at the same time I know that I will be absolutely miserable for myself. This announcement will bring to the surface all of the unhealthy emotions of anxiety, envy, stress, jealousy and unfairness that I have been trying to eliminate from my daily existence. Those are things that I still haven’t figured out how to successfully deal with in a rational manner. Who am I kidding? I haven’t even figured out how to deal with them in an irrational matter. My initial reaction is to avoid the situation, but that won’t get me anywhere. I can’t avoid reality forever. Mark pointed out that she’s probably less than three months along at this point, so she likely won’t even look pregnant yet, which is helpful. It will be infinitely more difficult for me to handle as the months go by and she gets bigger and bigger. For some reason, it’s the pregnancy itself which is the most painful thing for me to endure. Once the baby is born, things become easier for me to handle again. I guess maybe it’s just because I so passionately want to experience pregnancy. To watch others experience what I’ve been waiting for for so long is such a struggle for me.

And it makes me feel like such an asshole for feeling the way I do. But I just can’t help it.

Thank god for drink specials for Girls Night Out…I’m going to need it.