Thank you all for your support and comments. I apologize for not updating last night, I just wasn’t sure how I felt and I wanted some time to sort through my emotions.

And I guess I’m still not sure how I feel, but I’ve kept you all waiting long enough. Apparently from the 18 that they retrieved, only 8 were mature. This was a huge blow to me. I can’t figure out how more than half of our eggs were immature. Of those eight, five fertilized normally, so that’s what we have to work with.

I felt really bad because after Mark told me that we had five, I put on my pouty face since I was definitely disappointed. He looked at me with a shocked face and couldn’t understand why I was upset with five. “It’s nearly twice as many as last time!” he protested. He told me that he thought that I’d be really happy to have five and pointed out that it could have just as easily been 1 instead.

While all of this is true and I am happy to have five versus the three that we had last time or the one that we could have had this time, I’m also really disappointed. For some reason I had just expected it to be better. He challenged me saying that it WAS better, but I wanted BETTER better. I was so hopeful that the change in meds and the strong start that we had this time would lead to a nice high number of embryos to chose from. I just wanted more than five. I don’t know what number would have made me happy, but five certainly wasn’t it.

Then Mark mentioned how at least this time we would have some to freeze so we could do a FET if this one didn’t work. This is the part where I have to remember that he doesn’t know as much about all of this stuff as I do. I had to gently correct him and let him know that most embryos do not make it to freeze. I know that our clinic has very high standard of what they will freeze and what they won’t, and I personally am not expecting to have any to freeze. Not to mention the fact that they may not all make it to day 6 to be frozen anyway. I’m not sure if he forgot that one of our three embryos from last time kicked off before transfer or not, but I’m sure that in his head, he’s thinking that five minus the two that we will transfer will leave us with three to freeze. I really, really hope that he’s right, but I also know that it’s not realistic.

I guess at this point I’m just frustrated. It feels like such an uphill battle all of the time. All of the sacrifices I’ve made in terms of activities I can’t do, foods I’ve given up, time I’ve taken off of work and money that I’ve spent just seems like such a big waste of time, money and effort at this point. I’m doing absolutely everything that I can to make this work and I just feel like we’re not making any progress.

On the plus side, our doctor did state that the quality looks much better this time than it did last time, which does help a small bit.

But it is what it is, right? Right now I presumably have five embryos growing strong and healthy in the lab just waiting to be tranferred into me to someday become our children. I need to focus on that. Everything will be ok.

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