Last week Tuesday I received an e-mail from one of the co-founders (let’s call her Doris, just for ease of discussion) of my real life support group. She mentioned a few things that we may want to discuss at the next day’s meeting. One of the items that she wanted to discuss was this:
“Also also, I’ve noticed that lately there are a lot of pregnant (or recently pregnant) women in the group now — maybe someone would like to talk about how to make sure this doesn’t tip the balance of the group in one direction over the other?”
I should mention that Doris was the first one in our group to get pregnant (she conceived about a month after we started meeting) and had her son about a month and a half ago. Since we’ve started meeting, we’ve had three pregnancies, Doris and two others (who are both currently pregnant), and the remaining five women are not pregnant yet.
Anyway, when I showed up to the meeting, it ended up being only me and three other women, none of which were Doris and none of whom were pregnant. We spent nearly the entire time talking about what we thought Doris was trying to get at in her e-mail regarding the pregnant women in the group.
I remember at my second or third meeting, we were discussing how difficult it can be to be around pregnant women and how it can bring up feelings of jealousy, unfairness, “why me?” etc. Someone made a comment about how they just absolutely hated being around pregnant women and how it was impossible for her to happy for anyone who is pregnant. She had just finished her sentence and then modified her statement to say how she would be so happy for any of the women in the support group to get pregnant because we’ve all been there and struggled with infertility.
I thought that was a great opportunity to ask the group how they felt about what would happen when women did get pregnant. I had no idea if they had already discussed pregnancy and how it would affect the group or not, but I was curious. I also thought that it would be kind of important to make a decision before anyone in the group did get pregnant so that we could have an open and honest discussion about it without hurting anyone’s feelings. I knew from experience with my online buddy group that the dynamics of a group can definitely change when some of the members have what all of the rest want. Hearing pregnancy talk while you’re still trying to conceive is not an easy task for some women to deal with, especially as more and more women get pregnant while a few still struggle. It was enough of a struggle for a few women in my online buddy group that the group itself was no longer a safe haven for support anymore.
It was because of this that I asked “So what will happen when someone DOES get pregnant?” Doris (who already knew she was pregnant, though she hadn’t told us yet) said “once infertile, always infertile! Everyone is welcome to stay as long as they want to whether pregnant or not.” No one disagreed, though no one specifically agreed with her either, and that was that.
I thought it was kind of a hasty decision and one that I thought deserved more discussion and reflection, but no one, myself included, said anything about it. It was the next meeting where Doris revealed that she was nine weeks pregnant.
It is because of her declaration of “once infertile, always infertile” that I was shocked by her e-mail. First of all, I’m confused by “maybe someone would like to talk about how to make sure this doesn’t tip the balance of the group in one direction over the other?” Just what does this mean? Is she suggesting that the pregnant women should not be involved in the meetings anymore? Is she saying that the discussions should be focused only on issues that deal directly with infertility as it relates to conceiving a baby, as opposed to infertility as it relates to pregnancy?
I certainly hope not. We’ve had a lot of discussions regarding pregnancy after infertility within our group since March of this year. Is it something that I can relate to? No, I’ve never been pregnant, so I can’t relate. However, it is definitely a learning opportunity for me. I now know how three different women have felt about their pregnancies after infertility and it’s not necessarily what I would have expected. I know that I may not feel complete exuberance and joy after finding out that I’m pregnant. I may feel depressed, anxious, detached and even jealous of others who are pregnant regardless of the fact that I’m pregnant myself. I also have three local women that I can talk to about the choices that they made regarding testing and prenatal care options. Beyond the benefit to me, I do believe that those who are already pregnant still appreciate and need to attend the group.
On the flip side, I can also see how it could be painful and difficult for some within the group to have to deal with pregnant ladies showing up at an infertility support group meeting. To be subjected to having to hear about ultrasound appointments and nursery ideas when you want nothing more than to be in those shoes is without a doubt a tough thing to handle. And the original purpose of this group was to support women who were dealing with infertility as it relates to trying to conceive. I’m not naïve enough to think that once you get pregnant all of the struggles of infertility just fade into the background. I’m well aware that there are plenty of issues to deal with once pregnancy is achieved, but do supporting those issues take priority over those of the women still trying to conceive?
Looking at it from the pregnant woman’s point of view, (and I can only speak for how I think I would feel about it), I think I would feel very reserved in my willingness to share what was going on with my pregnancy for fear of upsetting, alienating, or causing pain to those who were not yet pregnant. I have come a long, long way in accepting and being happy for others who are pregnant, but I know that for a long period of time, hearing about anyone’s pregnancy was enough to ruin my week, and I would never want to cause that pain to anyone else.
So I can see things from both sides. There are definitely positives and negatives to both scenarios. For me personally, I would much, much rather that we all stay together as a group. I have gotten to know these women so well over the past 10 months and I have a special connection with them that I don’t have with any of my other friends. I wonder what is going on with them on a daily basis and find myself e-mailing them frequently to check in and see what’s going on with them. The thought of losing my biweekly meet up with some of them just because they are pregnant, or not being able to support them at our meetings just doesn’t seem fair.
Neither of the two pregnant women showed up to our meeting last week. I really, really hope that it wasn’t because of this e-mail. I am definitely interested in how the conversation goes regarding this topic next week. I hope it all turns out well.
12 comments
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November 23, 2008 at 10:48 pm
Elana
It’s very tough when most people in an IF support group get pregnant. I actually took part in a support group that started last January and between then and now over half of the women in the group have gotten pregnant (and at least 4 babies have been born already). We still try to get together for dinner once a month or so, but I feel terrible for those who have not been blessed yet. The conversation does get skewed toward pregnancy, and that’s gotta be rough on everyone else. Here from ICLW.
November 25, 2008 at 9:38 am
April
I wonder what she meant by the email??? Also…how weird for her to send it an not show up. Do you think she was putting it out there for you guys to decide how you wanted to deal with the pregos in the group?
very perplexing (ICLW)
November 25, 2008 at 2:26 pm
S&S
That is a sticky situation. It is not an easy situation. Although, April brings up a very good point. Was it her way of getting you guys to talk abt how you feel abt having PG women in the group?
November 25, 2008 at 9:05 pm
Kate
Definitely sticky. I am here from ICLW, and sometimes I don’t even think I should participate in ICLW because I have “crossed over” and now have a child. Though I have a baby, I will have to again struggle if I ever want a second..but I know that doesn’t mean a damn thing to a woman still struggling praying pleading and crying for a first one. Aaak, I don’t know, I am totally babbling. I hope your group can figure it out.
November 26, 2008 at 2:19 am
WiseGuy
Ummm…. I am actually searching for a milder form of the adjective “hypocritical” for Doris.
The objective of a support group cannot be a forever tag of ‘once infertile, always infertile’. More or less, it has to prepare and facilitate a positive transformation in the life of its members. From the statistics that you are quoting about group composition, it really does not look like the balance has tipped. And hasn’t Doris kept back her little piece of news?
Why not have an open forum in your group. Talk it out. That’s the point anyways!
November 26, 2008 at 8:50 am
Kristin
That is definitely a tough situation. I think this is a really well thought out post that would also work (with a little editing) as a well thought out email to your group. I think it could help everyone reconnect. Good luck working it out.
ICLW
November 26, 2008 at 3:07 pm
mrsamymarie
Its always difficult when the dynamic of a group you rely on begins to change. I would feel the way you do. If I happened to get pregnant I wouldn’t be quick to share details about my pregnancy with a group like that. I hope everything works out.
ICLW
November 26, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Polly
You know, a similar thing happened to me. When I first started our church’s support group with a fellow co-leader … I found out she was 6 weeks pg and we hadn’t even started the group. I wasn’t sure how good that would be, to have a pg leader? I didn’t like the idea. Sadly, she miscarried, so it turned into a non-issue (obviously a painful issue for her, but the group didn’t have to start out dealing with pg)
We have yet to have someone get successfully pg. I kind of want to split the group to make 2 groups: 1 primary infertility and 1 secondary infertility … b/c it’s also hard when the mom’s are talking about their kids … awkward!
Anyhow, i’m interested to see how it turns out .. KUP.
November 26, 2008 at 8:31 pm
Malky B.
It’s a tough call. I know Resolve has a separate group for pregnant woman after IF. It’s definitely hard going through a pregnancy after IF especially if you’ve also had previous loses. When I was pregnant with my daughter and my sister told me she was pregnant (with #4) I still felt bad. It was so easy for her to get pregnant and so hard for me.
November 26, 2008 at 10:32 pm
babysmiling
Between the first and second meetings of my IRL support group, we had someone drop out because she got pregnant. At the first meeting, when she knew she’d have her beta before the next meeting, she said, “Don’t worry, if I’m pregnant I won’t come back next week.”
Personally I wouldn’t mind having pregnant woman in the group if they talked about infertility issues (such as the worry over m/c, differences between their experience and a typical pregnant woman’s, etc.) but I would leave forever if people started talking about regular pregnancy and parenting topics. I get enough of that the rest of the time; the infertility support group is there for support about infertility.
I also suppose it depends on whether you have a closed group with set membership or an open group where people can come and go. Mine is the latter, so “graduating” probably makes more sense than in a long-standing closed group.
Regardless, I hope your members navigate the situation successfully and without hurt feelings!
Here from ICLW…
November 28, 2008 at 8:50 am
Erin
I have mixed feelings on the topic. I am expecting and I feel like my pregnancy is different than a woman that hasn’t experienced IF or loss. I was so worried about losing this pregnancy too, I can’t identify with my friends who get pregnant the first month they try and start buying car seats and cribs 7 weeks in (totally serious about that). The support group might have been helpful and maybe would have helped other struggling with IF to realize it never changes. But again I had such a hard time being around pg women when I was struggling or after a m/x.
I hope your support group finds its way through these issues!
ICLW
November 29, 2008 at 11:47 am
Vintage Mommy
I was never in an IF support group (wish I had been) but my book group can sometimes turn into a “mom’s group” and at least one person (who is single without children) has dropped out b/c she felt out of place. I was starting to feel the same way until we adopted, and even now I wish we didn’t have so much kids talk!
This sounds like a really tough situation – (but it probably comes up a lot) – I think for me I would want to have separate groups.
ICLW