I walked in the door yesterday after work to this:

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Beautiful flowers from one of my few real life friends who knows about our IVF cycle. For a long time, she was my best friend, but lately we haven’t been as close as we once were. We are in very different places in our lives and we seem to be growing apart lately, for various reasons. Additionally, she happens to be in her second trimester with her second child, which makes things even more delicate for me. The fact that she would send flowers made me feel really good, but also made me feel really crappy as well. Crappy because I’m having a tough time with her very easily achieved pregnancy. Actually, the thought of calling her up to thank her for the flowers makes me really nervous.

Situations like this really make me realize how much our fertility struggles have affected me as a person. I have changed so much in the past year and a half that sometimes I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I used to be very outgoing and bold, now I tend to shy away from situations that I once would have thrived in. I’m constantly doubting myself and feeling like I’m not good enough.

I worry about whether I will ever regain that confidence that I once had. Will I ever regain that happiness that I used to be known for? Will it take a successful pregnancy for me to have those things again? I truly hope that I can find a way to find myself again, regardless of if I get that healthy pregnancy that I so desire.

In the meantime, I guess it’s just a matter of trying to get through things the best that I can.

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