I have to be honest, the past two weeks since getting our first positive pregnancy test are nothing like I expected they would be. Instead of feeling the relief, excitement and sheer exhilaration that I had expected to feel, instead I feel very worried, anxious, doubtful, insecure and somewhat numb inside.
And I should have known to expect this. I have plenty of friends both on the internet and in real life who have all gone through the same thing after finding out they were pregnant. I knew that this would probably happen. But the problem is that I never really fully expected that we would actually get pregnant. I never really believed that I would even have the chance to have to deal with this.
But now here I am. I am trying my best to just think positive things, but it is amazingly more difficult than I feel it should be. Our first ultrasound is still a whole week away, and I’m absolutely terrified that something has already gone wrong and I’m just naively shooting PIO into my ass every night to sustain a pregnancy that isn’t even viable.
The lack of symptoms definitely does not help at all. In the beginning I had cramps and pulling sensations, which I found reassuring. Now I have nothing. I’m not peeing any more frequently than normal, I’m not exhausted, I’m not hungrier than normal. The only things that are different are that I’m warmer than usual (attributed to the PIO), my boobs are sore to the touch (again, attributed to the PIO) and I don’t have my period (yet again attributed to the PIO). And I know that symptoms don’t usually kick in until 6 weeks, which is right around the corner and may provide some reassurances, but right now I’m having such a hard time dealing with being in limbo. I’m struggling to believe that this pregnancy could possibly be real and end up with a real, live, genetically-ours baby.
I find myself terrified that the pregnancy could have ended last week after my second beta and I just don’t know it yet. I find myself stressing out about the spotting episode a week and a half ago, wondering if it was a sign of bad things to come. I find myself prefacing every statement I make to my husband regarding this pregnancy (which are few and far between) with “if everything goes as planned.” I find myself looking at the calendar trying to figure out how future plans will work with our potential due date, then quickly stop myself, afraid to believe that we could actually have a baby next year. I find myself stuck in an unhappy place of being afraid to enjoy the one thing that I’ve waited two and a half years for.
To clarify, I’m not miserable or depressed or anything like that and I’m making it through each day alright. I’m not about to lose my mind from anxiety or anything. I just wish that there were some reassurances, or even a sign that things weren’t going well, if something was wrong. I just hate all of the unknown. What I wouldn’t give for some answers right now. Patience. I just need lots and lots of patience.
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June 22, 2009 at 5:12 pm
Amber
I know exactly how you feel! The excitement is there for a while and then it goes away and you feel nervous again. My heart was beating out of my chest today before our appointment! Keep thinking positive thoughts and know that your beta numbers were great!
June 22, 2009 at 5:19 pm
mylifechronicles
I probably have a post somewhere in my blog that goes just like that. I know what you mean. Hang in there. Thinking positive thoughts for you and hoping that the week goes by really really fast.
June 22, 2009 at 8:08 pm
Best When Used By
I think what you are experiencing is normal for someone who has struggled to become pregnant. The hopes and fears, the “what ifs” and the uncertainty – it all continues even though the beta was positive. Of course it does, because stopping a long term mindset is like stopping a locomotive: it takes time. I hope that your U/S gets here soon, and that before long, you will be able to enjoy the wonder of your pregnancy.
June 22, 2009 at 9:08 pm
Louise
It is so hard…and Iweird I know to have such feelings after waiting so long for it.
I hate to tell you this though but for me it never really got any better the whole pregnancy. After each test or ultrasound I would be reassured for a day, maybe two and then the worry would set in again. Eventually though each worry just kinda becomes replaced with a new worry. At some point you just need to have a little blind faith and get used to the fact that this is how it’s going to be for oh…the next x many years.
June 22, 2009 at 9:10 pm
Louise
I also went through my whole first trimester with very few symptoms. Starting at 7 weeks I had “gaggy” days every 2-3 days but that was it. So it is possible for all to be well with few to no symptoms.
June 22, 2009 at 11:11 pm
Nancy
Hang in there Jess – for me I worried all the way up to the 2nd trimester. Some tips for you – once you get past the first heartbeat u/s – consider renting a doppler. The ability to check in on the bean’s heartbeat has been priceless in how much it reassures me.
June 23, 2009 at 10:59 am
Louise
Oh yes I agree with Nancy on the doppler rental. That was some of the best money I ever spent. Early on though don’t let it freak you out if you can’t find the heartbeat each time. My DH would get so upset that something was wrong. I just told myself that she was in a position that day where I couldn’t find her heartbeat…and sure enough the next day her heart would be there beating away. It happens to the OBs too…my OB found the HR at 9 weeks in her office (which surprised me) but 4 weeks later couldn’t find it and sent me for an ultrasound just to check that everything was ok.
June 23, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Ady
I definitely know what you are talking about… with Zac, I started out worrying about betas, heartbeats, spotting… then in the 2nd trimester it was cramping, incompetent cervix, contractions… then in the 3rd trimester it was preterm labor, problems during birth… then when he was born it was SIDS, colic, sleep issues… the worry never ends if you don’t stop it! This time around I’m trying not to entertain any negative thoughts and so far it is working OK. What will be, will be so it is more fun to enjoy every moment you do have!
June 23, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Eve
Well, first off…congrats lady!!!!! Yes, the first hurdle had been jumped…but it’s disconcerting to realize that there are more hurdles to pass: the first u/s, the first trimester, the BIG u/s at 15-18 weeks, etc. And even once their on the ‘outside’ there’s still worries and what-ifs ahead. Infertility is like other loss, it reminds us that things do not always go as you wish and that bad things can happen to perfectly good people.
My best advice is to give yourself a place to fret and worry and whatif, but also give yourself a place to rejoice, and celebrate, and hope! You are, after all, optimistically hopeful.
June 23, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Polly
I think you are doing great – it is really hard. We have worked so hard to get here and so much is riding on each cycle that it’s hard not to “just relax”
I hope we can both find some peace throughout this process.
Congrats Mama!
June 24, 2009 at 6:26 am
Krisy
Just know your not alone, I’m 10.5 weeks and still feel this way everyday. I have another u/s this morning and i’m terrified they both died since last week. I’m not sure I’ll ever get over this feeling, maybe only once i can feel them everyday!
June 24, 2009 at 9:52 pm
Cari
I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling with fear, for me it did get better after the first trimester. With your betas you have every reason to be hopeful. I understand why you are having a hard time thinking ahead, it’s the same defense mechanism we use while dealing with infertility. Somehow we think that it’s almost too much to hope for that we will get pregnant and have a healthy baby, and if we don’t allow ourselves to “go there” emotionally it will be easier if it doesn’t work out. I’ve finally come to the conclusion(after 5+ years of infertility and a loss) that the defense mechanism is pointless. If the unthinkable happens, it’s horrible no matter what. If it doesn’t (the much more likely scenario!), we’ve robbed ourselves of all the enjoyment and exhilaration of the pregnancy we worked so hard for. So I say…”go there”! Plan for the future, wonder at the new life inside you, talk to him/her, look at maternity clothes, start planning the nursery! You are pregnant! Enjoy every minute. Before you know it you will be snuggling that baby in your arms.