This is not what I expected

I have to be honest, the past two weeks since getting our first positive pregnancy test are nothing like I expected they would be. Instead of feeling the relief, excitement and sheer exhilaration that I had expected to feel, instead I feel very worried, anxious, doubtful, insecure and somewhat numb inside.

And I should have known to expect this. I have plenty of friends both on the internet and in real life who have all gone through the same thing after finding out they were pregnant. I knew that this would probably happen. But the problem is that I never really fully expected that we would actually get pregnant. I never really believed that I would even have the chance to have to deal with this.

But now here I am. I am trying my best to just think positive things, but it is amazingly more difficult than I feel it should be. Our first ultrasound is still a whole week away, and I’m absolutely terrified that something has already gone wrong and I’m just naively shooting PIO into my ass every night to sustain a pregnancy that isn’t even viable.

The lack of symptoms definitely does not help at all. In the beginning I had cramps and pulling sensations, which I found reassuring. Now I have nothing. I’m not peeing any more frequently than normal, I’m not exhausted, I’m not hungrier than normal. The only things that are different are that I’m warmer than usual (attributed to the PIO), my boobs are sore to the touch (again, attributed to the PIO) and I don’t have my period (yet again attributed to the PIO). And I know that symptoms don’t usually kick in until 6 weeks, which is right around the corner and may provide some reassurances, but right now I’m having such a hard time dealing with being in limbo. I’m struggling to believe that this pregnancy could possibly be real and end up with a real, live, genetically-ours baby.

I find myself terrified that the pregnancy could have ended last week after my second beta and I just don’t know it yet. I find myself stressing out about the spotting episode a week and a half ago, wondering if it was a sign of bad things to come. I find myself prefacing every statement I make to my husband regarding this pregnancy (which are few and far between) with “if everything goes as planned.” I find myself looking at the calendar trying to figure out how future plans will work with our potential due date, then quickly stop myself, afraid to believe that we could actually have a baby next year. I find myself stuck in an unhappy place of being afraid to enjoy the one thing that I’ve waited two and a half years for.

To clarify, I’m not miserable or depressed or anything like that and I’m making it through each day alright. I’m not about to lose my mind from anxiety or anything. I just wish that there were some reassurances, or even a sign that things weren’t going well, if something was wrong. I just hate all of the unknown. What I wouldn’t give for some answers right now. Patience. I just need lots and lots of patience.