There is one thing that has become increasingly clear as I’ve struggled with our fertility issues; I am spoiled. Spoiled rotten. I’m used to getting what I want, and usually when I want it.
Everyone says that youngest kids are spoiled and always get what they want and I guess from my experience, I can’t really disagree. While I was most certainly not a spoiled brat demanding things from my parents, they did tend to give me most everything I wanted.
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My parents sent me to a private driving school the summer before I turned 16 because I had just missed the cutoff to get into the class at school (though this was probably a little selfish on their behalf as well because then they wouldn’t have to drive me around anymore).
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My parents paid for half of three week long field trip to Europe when I was a junior in high school.
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My parents paid my tuition, room and board while I was in college. They even paid for me to spend a semester studying in France.
Beyond all of the financial support they have given me throughout the years, my parents have always been there for me emotionally. Sure, we’ve had our disagreements, but I honestly could not ask for more compassionate, kind and caring parents. They have always been willing to stop whatever they’re doing at the drop of a hat in order to help me out with whatever was going on with me. I can’t imagine how different my life would be without their constant support.
Even as an adult, without the assistance of my parents, I’ve been pretty spoiled.
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I got every job that I’ve ever interviewed for
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I got every house that I’ve ever wanted
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I got the man that I wanted
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We make enough money that nearly anything we want, we can just go out and buy or do
On the whole, I’ve been exceptionally fortunate. And spoiled.
Except for this one thing. We can’t manage to have a baby on our own.
The frustration of wanting something so bad, but not being able to get it is beyond anything that I’ve ever experienced before. And it’s different from everything else that I’ve ever wanted in that there’s no guarantee that I can get it, no matter how much time, money and effort I throw at it. This is something that I have, quite literally, no control over. And I’m still struggling to try to figure how to handle it.
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July 8, 2008 at 10:51 am
Deborah
Having no control for me has also been the hardest part of infertility. I too have realized most of my goals. Not all of them came easy, but most things you can accomplish if you work hard enough (graduating college, getting a good job)-not so with IVF/IUI. I hear what you are saying about feeling spoiled, just sounds like to me that you have good parents. I was also very lucky to have wonderful parents as well and it hurts even more not to be able to continue that legacy. Needing control for me has translated into not having enough trust/faith in a power greater than myself, whether that be God or something else. That may or may not be your issue, but I have found meditation/prayer or the combination of both has been very helpful to me.